It pays the bills

I work for Child Protective Services.  The first few years I did investigations full time.  After my first pregnancy disaster I couldn't do it anymore.  So now I work at the Child Abuse Hotline (and help out with investigations once in a while)... same agency different function.  I work on weekends and stay home with my baby during the week, it's a pretty good gig.  I have had a lot of people say things like I don't know how you do it, it must be so hard.  And yes there were days when investigations were hard.  But I have not had a day when I felt completely emotionally spent since I have worked at the Hotline...that was until this last weekend...

My last call of the day was about a little boy named Nolan.  My heart sank and I immediately thought of my sweet Nolan at home with his daddy.  The whole time I talked to the source I tried to tell myself, they were making all this up and this little one was just fine and being loved and snuggled by his mommy.  Sadly, as I finished up the call and researched the family's history with our agency I had the sinking feeling that every thing the source had said was probably true.  When I told my supervisor that the information had been documented and ready, I could not hold back my tears.  Most of the time my response to, "what a hard job" comment is, "its a job, it pays the bills."  It's how I cope.  It's just a job.  But not last weekend.  I cried a lot on my 45 min drive home, not just for that other little Nolan but for all the kids I have to hear about being hurt or not cared for the way they should be.

I am so grateful to have a job and that we are able to live in comfort and have a little extra to have some fun.  But if I am completely honest, I hate my job.  And even more I hate that there is a need for people to do this job.  Sometimes it is hard to remember the beauty in the world when you standing in the dregs.