9/11

I am finally watching the Dateline special on 9/11.  As they tell the stories of the people who were there I remember my own story... where I was, things I thought, things I said... but it has taken me 10 years for me to really understand the impact it has had on my life.  For a while, I have struggled with faith, and God and religion but it wasn't till this year that I had the realization that it was on that day that I stopped believing in God.  Before that day I was happy and things were easy... and even though I was only 17, my soul changed that day.  Religion and God seemed so silly to me.  Faith seemed more like denial than hopeful.  It was the first day I felt true fear.  And I spent the next 6 years pretending I believed... and teaching others to believe, all the while thinking... how can people believe this bull shit!?  But they did, and it made them feel better and I hoped (foolishly) that if I kept trying to believe, it would make me feel better.  It didn't... it made me more angry and more sad.  It wasn't til I finally admitted to myself that trying to believe in the god of my youth was never going to make me happy.  And so 4 years ago I let go... and finally 10 years later I have found love/god/alpha and omega/life/happiness... to me it is all the same...God...breath of life...whatever you call it, it is the same.  I wish I could have been one of the ones who came closer to god... and I guess in a way I still am one of those people... it just took me a little bit longer, as it usually does with me.