Anxiety

I remember sitting in my abnormal psychology class in college while we talked about anxiety.  I had such a hard time understanding anxiety and how or why any one would live in fear.  And anxiety attacks were just beyond me.  I felt similarly while we covered depression in that same class  Oh the ignorance of youth. 

As I have gotten older, I have slowly become aware of all of the things I should be worried about.  After loosing my fallopian and almost my life with my first pregnancy, fear set in.  During my second pregnancy I was a complete mess and think I may have had one or two minor anxiety attacks.  As Nolan nears his 1st birthday my thoughts turn toward siblings for Nolan.  I have always wanted my children to be close in age and I still do, but I can feel the anxiety and fear tugging at my heart when I think about another pregnancy like the first and a delivery like the second. Part of me feels it is selfish to want another child.  Nolan is PERFECT so how can I put my life at risk to have a baby when Nolan needs me so much.  And though my friend would tell me this is a cognitive distortion, and I know she would be right... it is a thought I often have.  It must be said, having Nolan has been worth EVERY SINGLE tear, fear and pain... AND I know that I would feel the same about a possible next child but I wonder if I will ever feel ready to FEEL THAT MUCH again.  I know I could do it, but it honestly strikes fear in my heart.  To the extent that the other day, for the very first time, I thought about not having anymore children and that was easier to think about....  This from the woman who feels it is her mission to love and raise children.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!  I hate this fear.  Where is my hope and excitement?  At the end of the day, I know I will try to have more children but I am starting to understand that each decision to have a baby will be an emotional roller coaster.  

My sweet husband is so practical... which is so good for me!  But his fears about having another child are more centered on logistics.  I wish my fears could be calmed with a bank statement showing an ample savings account balance.