A Baby Story

I have hesitated to write Nolan's birth story, partly because it still seems so vivid still but mostly because up until the moment he took his first breath, it was the worst day of my life. 

The story starts on a Saturday morning.  I don't know why, but I never wanted to pack for the hospital.  Everything, and I mean everything else was planned and prepared in great detail but my stubborn hardheaded pregnancy grumpiness kicked in and I refused to pack.  I even remember telling Nick I wasn't packing and if he wanted something at the hospital he had better pack it himself.  Aren't I sweet?  So on the morning of my trial induction we had limited supplies in the car.  I say trial induction because the plan was to rub some jells around up there and send me home.  But when we got there the doctor said I was going to be admitted... aka we were not leaving with out a baby!  Oh I was so excited that I was going to be in labor.  First things first, an ultrasound to make sure baby was in the right position.  We went down the the imaging part of the hospital and all of the sudden things started looking very familiar and anxiety and fear started to overwhelm me.  The year before I had been in the same ultrasound room as they tried to locate the source of my extreme stomach pain... that time left the hospital with out the baby I was carrying when I had arrived and with one less fallopian tube.  Nick, ever comforting, told me that THIS time would be different.  I recovered quickly once I heard the strong heart beat of my baby boy and was then happily rolled upstairs and back to my room, where after a day and a half of jells, walks, and membrane strips... I was still no closer to having my baby.

So....New plan... have an ultrasound and then go home and wait some more.  I was not all that fond of this new plan, but there was a catch.  There were a few things they had to see on the ultrasound before we could go home... 10 things in fact and they had to see them in 30 minutes.  Things like certain movements, right amount of amniotic fluid, etc.  If they saw what they needed to see in 10 minutes then, great, all done.  I watched the clock intently... 15 minutes left... it's okay he still has time to show his stuff... 10 minutes left...okay baby lets get moving... 5 minutes left... is baby okay?... 1 minute left... guess we are not going home.  I asked to tech, "so he didn't pass?"   And she sweetly told me that it was okay and that there just isn't always enough room for them to move very much.  I was again, rolled back to my room.  From that time on  the tone of the day changed... the nurse was very vague about what the ultrasound had showed, and said the doctor would be in to talk to me about it.  The nurse also told me that I needed to stay on the belly monitors, and no more walking. After I insisted I was finally allowed to walk the halls... where I could feel the other nurses' eyes following me.  Looking back, I should have known to be worried... but I wasn't, I was trying to stay positive and excited that I soon would have my baby... on the outside.  About 7 hours after that days' ultrasound the doctor finally came in to talk to us.  My sister was there visiting at the time and the doctor asked if she could leave so we could talk.  My heart sank, I thought to myself, no I'm not ready to hear this, I cannot loose another baby, not after getting this far, I cannot leave this baby here, I need him too much.  The doctor told us that the ultrasound showed results that make the doctors unable to rule out hydrops.  What the hell is a hydrop?  It is fluid on the spine and neck.  It could be nothing OR It could be an indication of a number of conditions "not compatible with life."  The doctor went on to explain that if there is an issue it would first manifest itself in his breathing and they went into what they could do the help him breath...like poke needles into his chest.  We talked about where he would go if he needed a higher level trauma rated hospital and weather or not I should leave now and go to another hospital to delver.  And then the doctor left Nick and I with some papers to think about things.... and then I totally lost it.  I sobbed on Nick's shoulder for a long time saying over and over, I can't leave here without him while at the same time trying to prepare myself for a baby that might not be mine for very long. We called our parents and asked them to please come as quickly as possible... there was no way we could have kept it together without our parents.  And they needed to be there, to see him when he was born, just in case... there wasn't another chance.  At that point I was spent and the idea of going through labor was just more than I could bear.  I had to know NOW if he was okay.  Though the doctor said the baby was stable now and I could try to have a vaginal birth, I opted, we all opted for a c-section.  Once the decision had been made I was in the OR within minutes.

Waking up during a surgery and feeling it has ALWAYS been a fear of time.  And here I was laying on a table about to be cut open and I'm wide awake... feeling sick from the medication and overwhelmed and so so scared.  I remember telling the anesthesiologist my legs still felt tingly and asking him if the meds were working.  He asked me, can you feel any pain?  I told him I couldn't and he said good, because they've already started.  WHAT?!  I was irritated, no warning?  And then all the sudden the anesthesiologist tells Nick to stand up so he can see over the curtain... his son is about to be born... he does and sees the doctor pull Nolan out of my belly.  And then... I heard my Nolan cry... I will never forget that sound... they brought him to me and I touched his cheek and said, "on my god" like a million times... I think I may have even been yelling.  They took him to get warmed up and in a blanket and the nurse told me she was going to tell our family that Nolan was happy and healthy.  Latter my dad told me that when the nurse came to tell them, she had tears in her eyes.  The doctor told me that Nolan's head was so big that he was not going to come out any other way but by c-section... my 9 pound 3 ounce boy!  Then they gave Nolan to Nick and Nick sat by me for a while so I could see and touch and smell Nolan while they sewed me up.  I hate this part of the story, but I have to tell it, because it is part of the story...  I remember wanting Nick to take Nolan away, I couldn't handle it.  Being awake during surgery and currently being sewn up, having been so scared, having my first baby, feeling sick from the medicine... it was completely and utterly overwhelming and I kept thinking, I can't do this, I just don't have any more to give.  I never did tell Nick to take him away, but eventually the nurse told Nick it was time to for Nolan to get his bath and other things.  Nick left and I was all alone.... I was glad that Nick was with Nolan and watching over things but laying on the operating table not able to move or really talk very well was one of the most isolating feelings and I have never felt so alone in my life.  I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest and I felt sick and scared and cold... really cold... I asked the nurse to hold my hand and cried. 

Finally I was sewn up and they wheeled me back to recovery.  I sat in the bed thinking about my pregnancy and the pregnancy before that and what the last 10 hours had been like... I asked my nurse who was standing next to me doing paperwork. "Do you have kids?"  She said yes, I have six... SIX?? She was this super cute tiny young nurse... her oldest was 15 and youngest 6 months.  I asked her, "how did you do it? I barely survived this pregnancy and this delivery was just too much." I then told her, "I can't do this again, it was too hard."  And she told me that I would not always feel that way.  I told her I was pretty sure I would...  and then Nick, my mom and dad come into the room with my Nolan.  He was hungry and ready to eat so I nursed him and held him, and smelled him and looked at him and LOVED him.  And then I turned to my nurse and with an ear to ear completely satisfied sort of grin and said, "I could do this again."  And I would, do it again, a million times over I would do it again.  Nolan has been my JOY.  I love everything EVERYTHING about him... from his fuzzy hair to his long toes.  I love his serious personality and that he is learning and growing so much every day.  I am so smitten with him daily.  He is worth every tear and fear and pain, all of it.                         

mother of the year

Despite all of the times I have earned myself a nomination for mother of year, I am still human and the last few weeks that fact has been VERY apparent.  For the last few weeks I have felt a little... sad and totally unmotivated is how I would describe it.  And therefore... my floors have not been moped, my carpets not vacuumed, my dishes have been washed but only by my husband and same goes for the laundry.  I have not made a meal in who knows how long.  But today was different... and from now on I'm going to snap out of it and get off the couch!     

short and sweet

I love love love the idea of cloth diapers but my little one's bum is just too red after using them... so, I'm working on that...  today he was uncomfortable because of little red bum and needed extra snuggle time.  Unfortunately he wanted to snuggle AFTER his bath but BEFORE I could struggle a diaper on him.  So, I gave in, despite the possibility of being peed and pooped on... I just snuggled my naked baby until his little heart settled a bit and he could cope with being laid down so I could get his diaper and pjs on him.  Sure love that kid!   

My Manifesto

My Manifesto

A public declaration of policy and aims

I will stand up for what is right.  I will not make excuses for evil or for those who are engaged in it.  I will not support any thing that is destructive, hateful or angry.   

I will do all in my power to protect my son and husband from the ills of the word.  It is my deepest desire to be the soft place where they fall. 

I will love and forgive but I will not accept any form of abuse.  

To my words, I add those of individuals more wise:

“Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”  Ralph Waldo Emerson 

 

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Trust in Love with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Love, and Love will direct your paths.  Proverbs 3, 5-6 (the word Lord replaced with the word Love)

Humble Tears of Gratitude

There are not words to express how grateful I am for my husband.  He has the most integrity of anyone I have ever met.  When things are difficult, he is the reason they seem bearable and manageable.  He is so steady and dependable. Even as I sit here and write, these words seems so hollow compared to the feeling I have in my soul.  To the core of my being, I am grateful for how hard my husband works to provide for our family.  I am grateful for the husband and father he is, even on the days when Nolan, and especially me don't make it any easier for him.  I am so so so blessed to be loved by him!
 

Teeth, all-star game, and the purpose of MY life

Today was an AMAZING DAY!!!  Completely amazing! It started like any other, a dirty diaper here, a bottle there, nap time... blaw blaw blaw you know the drill... But then.....

I spent the afternoon with my best friend (there are two people, outside of my family, who have known me for a long time and who completely get me... I call them both "my best friend") we went swimming with the babies and had a totally "fill-your emotional-gas-tank" kind of time together.  And it was while we were in the pool that I noticed... NOLAN CUT HIS FIRST TOOTH!!!  Me and this friend went to college together, met our husbands about the same time, bought houses about the same time, got married about the same time, got pregnant about the same time and our babies are now predetermined to be "best friends" too.  So, I LOVE that I noticed Nolan's first tooth while with my friend who I love and who I have shared so many things with.  Sadly, a few hours later, my poor sweet baby was in tears and the only thing that would sooth his painful cry was ice cubes and his passy... oh yeah, and his mommy! I hated that he was in so much pain, but I LOVE being the mommy, and therefore the only one he wanted to snuggle... That has been the thing that I have most looked forward to with motherhood... being the one who comforts and only one whose kiss can make it better. 

Finally right before bed, Nolan totally perked up!  Smiling and laughing and back to Elmo loving self... his grandpa and grandma Day and his auntie Tatem went to the MLB All-Star Home Run Derby tonight and Grandpa brought Nick back a hat, but Nolan called dibs....

Finally.... rewind the day to shortly after I discovered Nolan's first tooth... I was talking to my friend about being a mom and something that I had been on my mind for a long time... like a decade... that kind of long time. During our talk I had THE . MOST . AMAZING . REALIZATION of probably my entire life.  Again, rewind...as this has been a journey for me.  This may be also be boring and cryptic to others (if not most people), but is profound for me...

For, maybe 6 or 7 years I have felt something has been missing from my life.  I have evaluated and re-evaluated who I am and have made drastic changes in order to "find" what's "missing."  I have been more honest with myself and with others about things I believe and what I know to be in true in my heart.  It has been a journey of self discovery (kind of a cliche, I know).  I have met, fallen in love with and married an amazing man who allows me to be me, and loves me anyway.  I have given birth to a sweet boy who, by my observation, is an "old sole" like myself.  These things have brought me to a place where I could have the courage and confidence to find "the missing." 

You can imagine my disappointment as I sat on the couch watching Oprah about a year or so ago (again,cliche) and realized not only was I a huge cliche (hahaha... who can also laugh at herself), but that the thing I was missing was passion, a hobby, something that I love doing so much that even after a night of no sleep I am still completely excited and happy to do it.

So today, while standing in my parent's pool, holding my sweet Nolan, talking to my best friend, she helped to understand myself jut a little bit better, and I realized what my passion is.  Though it has seemed like a long journey, with much heart ache along the way, I realize that all things considered I am so blessed to have realized my bliss, my passion, my excitement before my 30th birthday.  I can now say, with out doubt, I know what I want to do with my life... and in some ways, I have always known it and it has always been there.  I simply was not being quiet enough to listen.  When I say quiet I mean, in my heart and my soul... I had been allowing the noise of the world drown out what my heart had been telling me.  Today...today I heard my heart.  I hear it while standing in chest deep in water.  I heard it while holding my baby Nolan... a baby that is a product of deep and loving relationship with my soul mate/husband.  And I heard it while talking to my best friend.  Each of those things is profound for me for various reasons and it was a beautiful moment that I will never forget.  Never.  Life is good, oh so good.  God is love.  Glory be to God.           

Cloth Diapers... and more

So before Nolan was born I seriously contemplated using cloth diapers.  But due to all the nay-saying people around me I decided it was indeed crazy and doubted my ability to keep with the laundry involved.  BUT... since I am pretty much a stay-at-home mom, at least during the weekdays I figure I really do have time for an extra load of laundry.  So... I bought a few cloth diapers to try out, and I LOVE THEM!! I should have started this 6 months ago! (and YES... Nolan is 6 months old already, breaks my heart over how fast time is flying).  So, I go the special soap that has no dyes or additives... so as not to ruin the diapers...

I did my pre-wash and strapped them on the little guy...

Sorry, no pics of Nolan in the diapers yet... but let me say, he is cute in EVERYTHING and cloth diaper are no exception.  I still only have 3 diapers but I wash them every day and so I can "save" 3 disposables per day.  Granted they are a little pricey and it will take 90 uses before they pay for themselves in savings... which really, is not that long in the grand scheme of things.  I plan to buy a few more of them every month until I have enough cloth diapers that I don't have use any disposables during the day.  And for all you who are worried about it... I will keep a few disposables on hand for babysitters.

So even though things have worked out PERFECTLY so that our little guy doesn't have to go to daycare, yesterday was the first day Nick and mine's work days overlapped.  We are blessed blessed blessed with such wonderful family, and Nolan has managed to trick everyone into thinking it is a privilege to watch him...so Anutie Tatem and Grandma Connie watched him for the day... even so, I still couldn't help but be totally neurotic about it.  I'm sure I was annoying with all my text messages, but even so... I am so grateful that Tatem and Connie were reassuring that everything was under control.

Finally... life has been a little stressful at times with the day to day grind, but I would just like to express my gratitude to my family... my parents, nick's mom, our siblings, nick's grandparents and extended family... and to my friends... there is something so comforting just knowing they are there and that they love us, especially Nolan.  My heart feels very tender when I watch our family hold, talk to and spend time with Nolan.  Life is so good!